One Year - I Did It!

As I'm typing this.. there's 5 more hours left on the counter before it is "officially"one year since I last lit a cigarette, stuck it to my mouth and inhaled. Certainly no risk me messing up that one year stat!

I still remember when I quit quite vividly as it was at the wedding reception of a good friend, I was already quite intoxicated and I figured, hey I've definitely made worse decisions so why not just stop it completely. At that point, I was fighting hard and was down to about 1 or 2 sticks a day.

Do I miss it? Yeah, sometimes.
Did I ever want to light up again? Yeah, crossed my mind several times.
But I don't think I'll go back to it, it was a damn tough experience having to quit.

All in, it's been a somewhat liberating experience. I don't have the dependency anymore. I don't arrive at a new place and immediately case it to figure out where I can go for a smoke. I don't plan ahead on when I need to buy cigarettes. I don't feel have that feeling of guilt that usually happens when my cigarette smoke wafts over to some table/person (especially a kid) and I no longer have to look behind me when walking on the street.

Apart from that, I've had headaches after inhaling second-hand smoke.. especially at places where you can literally chop through the smoke. This was something that never bothered me before. Also, when someone who has just finished smoking stands next to me... that familiar smell makes me miss smoking but at the same time, is quite a put off. Yeah, weird. But, I don't know how my wife put up with it for so long!

Physically, I've put on 5kg... which is a fair amount and definitely not too excessive. From now on, I will definitely start exercising. I really wanted to see how much weight I would put on without having to exercise and quitting smoking.

Well, until next year then!

New Year coming, almost 5 months

Yep, almost 5 months since I've had a cigarette.

There are urges, sometimes. But it usually happens only if I'm sitting next to a chain smoker. The kind who light up every 10-15 minutes.

I've also put on a little more weight. Manageable as I have been underweight all this while. I'm now approaching 74kg, from my past usual weight of 70kg. I expected to hit 75kg so it's not all that bad. People still say I'm skinny... Just because I can't gain weight in the same manner doesn't mean I like being called skinny!

Besides, I wouldn't want to gain anymore weight. It would mean having to get new clothes and with pre-school fees the way they are now, I need to save all I can for my daughter.

Meanwhile, I hope all of you have a good New Year! Let's hope this time next year I can still declare that I am smoke-free.

Almost 4 months

So I'm fast approaching the point where I'm thinking, "Wow, I used to smoke?"

I've been in situations so far where everyone around me is smoking but have not had the urge to ask for one or to steal one and light up.

More importantly, the point of this post is to articulate or to explain what I think is the key to quitting smoking.

1.) You have to want to

And I don't mean you waking up one morning and saying "I wanna quit". It's not so simple. It would probably have to be something you've thought about for a long time, a few months, maybe even a year.

2.) Be prepared for the effects

Whether you choose to quit cold turkey or use some sort of drug (champix, nicorette) etc.. there WILL be physiological effects. Whether you like it or not.

Cold turkey and you'll deal with all the short-temperedness, angsty, and extreme craving type of feelings that will generally make you one of the most unpleasant persons in the world to be around.

Quit with a drug and you'll have a completely different set of side effects, such as constipation, vivid dreams, not being able to sleep, etc

Essentially, the point is, there will be some downside to quitting. But it is only temporary. What is the upside? That's for you to consider.

THREE MONTHS

Yep, I did it! Now for the next 3 months. Any gifts for this achievement? Anyone?

Yeah, figured there'd be none. It has been a lonely journey/challenge, with my mind being my most constant and persistent companion. I'm glad we defeated the Brain and the Body with its unreasonable requests.

G'nite, and thanks for reading. I'll update whenever I feel like it, but I think the goal has been accomplished for now.

Take care!

75 days

Good news. I've been off Champix for.. you know, I can't remember. A week I think.

The moodiness and inability to focus has been there, but it is slowly getting better. Tends to be at its worse during the afternoons.

64 days

Yup, made it past the two month mark.

Now seriously, it is all about weaning off Champix. And if last Saturday (Oct 1) was any indication of how difficult it could be, I'm going to be in trouble. Oct 1 was my fifth day without taking Champix and arguably the most difficult day I've had thus far.

I was not only angsty and short-tempered, but I had a massive headache, blurry eyes and completely unable to focus. My sincere apologies to my wife for the outburst and general pissy attitude which lasted until I finally took a Champix pill to ease the problem.

To be honest, it was exactly like all the withdrawal symptoms one would have BUT without the craving for a cigarette. How weird is that? Quite a mindfuck.

So it seems I am unable to break off Champix just like that. What I've done now is split all my pills and will be taking half pills at 3 day intervals for now - and slowly increasing the duration in between each pill until I no longer need it. I have 20 half pills, but who knows, I might not need as many to get off it.

My first half pill starts tomorrow, well today (Tuesday). This will hopefully be the last stage of fighting a dependence. The next battle, after I'm off the pills, will be making sure I never pick up a cigarette again.

56 days

Still have 11 pills left. Since the last post I've only taken one pill.

If I get through today without feeling too crappy, it would mean 3 consecutive days without a pill.

When I say crappy, it doesn't matter whether I take it or not:

With pill = Nausea or very intense and painful headache (15-30 mins) immediately after taking the pill

Without pill = Nagging low intensity/pain headache (all day) and general inability to focus

I'm sure the "without pill" manifestations are temporary.. as in they'll go away over time, and is simply a function of me having a different dependence, i.e. the pills as opposed to a cigarette.

Damn, it is annoying. It also makes me wonder why the heck I even started smoking in the first place. I also can't wait to be free of this drug dependence.

And when it does, then alcohol would be my only vice!

51 days

Am still going strong while I'm slowly cutting down on Champix intake.

I have 12 pills left. Over the past two weeks I've been taking one pill on alternate days as compared to two pills each day.

There was one day when I tried to stretch the gap to two days without a pill but I didn't feel too good after that. I might try that again soon.

38 days?

Wow.

It is starting to come to a point where I don't count every day. I'm also considering very seriously whether I should wean myself off Champix earlier than the recommended 12-week course.

Since I've been forgetting to take pills, and there are some days when I don't even take one pill, and it isn't really missed or I don't really have cravings, I figure why not just stop the pills? The side effects, which are damn annoying, is also another factor.

I have 20 pills left and I think I'll take one pill a day from now on (if I remember!!) which means by the end of September I will be both smoke AND drug free. It also means I would have only completed 8 weeks of Champix pills.

Forgetting to take pills

Ok, now this is odd.

Its become a different sort of challenge. Now its not so much about not smoking, but rather, its about making sure I take those pills once in the morning and once at night.

The nausea after taking the pill has come back, which is annoying. But the more I think about it, its like I think I don't need them anymore since the cravings are already gone. I'm almost halfway through the 12-week course now and have been told that I have to complete it or relapsing becomes much easier.

Gotta do some mind exercises all over again. I don't want to fail!

Three weeks

No, I haven't started smoking again.

Sorry to burst your bubble!

But to own up here, I've had to spend some time away due to family matters. I've also unfortunately either forgotten or missed a few doses of the pills so I think instead of 90 days this might take a 100 days.

As I was telling a friend yesterday when intoxicated with alcohol. If my cravings for a cigarette pre-quitting was 20 on a scale of 1-10, its now maybe 2 on that same scale. What I haven't tested myself with yet is to be with a whole table of smokers while drinking. Now that would be interesting.

Weight gain

Yep, it happened.

My usual weight fluctuates between 68-70kg. As of earlier this week, I've weighed in at 72.1kg. Another weigh in earlier today still sees me at 72.1kg.

This is of course unusual for me. I've never gained weight in any meaningful way, always the butt of jealous remarks from female friends and never had to get new clothes just because I've gained a couple of inches around the waist.

There is the oft-quoted reason about why people smoke, that is to keep your weight down since nicotine serves as an appetite depressant. Believe me, that was merely an unintended side-effect for me. I already had an insane metabolic rate during my late-teens.

What does this mean? I need to exercise, slow down on the carbs and probably drink a lot less beer, haha. I'm entirely unsure what my metabolism rate is like without nicotine.

Here's hoping I don't go past 75kg.

Almost two weeks!

Apart from the cravings that come and go and are not so intense anymore, nothing much to report. Its almost anti-climatic. What was I expecting?

To be honest, I was expecting an uphill battle all the way... It seems that once your mind is more or less made up, there's a lot less fighting to do.

I remember the last time I tried to quit, I would still inevitably go and buy a pack of cigarettes. And that's why it was that much harder to quit, because of the easy access.

Now I see a pack of cigarettes and go "Meh..."

Standing back though, I think its just a matter of making your mind up to quit and setting a reasonable deadline to get to the point where you're ready to stop. For me, I did tell myself 30 years old. And that was many years back after I failed a couple of times. I turned 30 a few months back, so looks like its going well.

The big One Zero soon

Almost 10 days smoke free.
The urge to count - bad or good thing? I can't figure it out. I hope at some point I'll just stop counting and remember the date I stopped, easier that way!

Just a few observations in the past few days:
- Hardly anymore nausea after taking the pill

- The cravings I have when drinking alcohol now is almost non-existent

- There are still periods of time when I do crave for one, especially if I'm sleepy in the afternoon

- I feel much more energetic, I'm doing a lot more chores and there isn't that "couldn't be bothered" feeling anymore

- Appetite has increased substantially and food does taste better. I don't feel that much heavier but obviously this will have to be kept in check, I'm setting a limit of 5kg up from present weight of 70kg.

- Seem to be coughing quite a bit and lots of mucous in the morning, apparently this is because my lungs are healing.

A week goes by...

How do I feel?

Weird mostly, cravings aside. I try to articulate the feeling but its difficult. The closest I can come to is perhaps it being similar to losing a very big part of your life.. an arm, a partner, etc.

I guess it stems from time spent with the habit of smoking.

Ten sticks a day for 13 years. If you take five minutes per stick as an average, that means I've spent 237,250 minutes of my life smoking. Break it down further that's almost 165 days spent smoking and the rest of the time not smoking spent thinking about smoking.

So, finding things to do/keeping occupied is probably one of the most important aspects of quitting smoking. Thankfully I have a job, but unfortunately being at work itself is one huge smoking cue.

Here's to one more week!

Six days!

Tomorrow this time it'll be a week. Yay?

You take it twice a day!

Wow, its been 4 and a half days. Wonder how long it'll be before I stop counting. Was quite a novelty counting time but it might become tedious in the long-run.

Anyway just to make something clear. This is not a cold-turkey quit blog. I did not quit cold-turkey as I had mentioned in the first couple of postings. I'm using a drug called Champix, or Chantix as its known in the US.

I'm also not being paid by Pfizer, the manufacturer, (would be nice though!) or neither is this blog meant to promote Champix as the preferred way to quit smoking. Each person is unique and you definitely can't take a cookie cutter approach to quitting. Some prefer counseling, acupuncture or hypnosis. The more traditional route would be nicotine patches or gum.

I've tried the patches/gum, counseling and cold turkey. Perhaps not enough will power which is why I figured this drug might work. Anyway for those that want to know more, read on!

How it works?
The drug in its most basic sense blocks nicotine from reaching the specific receptors in the brain that derive pleasure from nicotine. Hence there is no more pleasure from inhaling a cigarette. Concurrently, it also takes the "edge" off withdrawal symptoms such as the mood swings, agitation and being short-tempered , etc.

Dosage
Twice a day orally for 12 weeks. The first two weeks are small doses (1mg per day) meant to build up the presence of the drug in your body. Ideally, no more cigarettes from the 14th day onwards. Once week 3 comes around, its ramped up to 2mg per day and cigarettes should start to be quite disgusting by then.

Little blue pills. Sun and moon icons behind each pill because smokers can't tell time...


Cost
Most GP clinics would sell it. I got mine for RM165 for the starter pack (the first two weeks) and each subsequent two-week packs after that is RM175. Total cost for the 12-week course: RM1,040

Side effects
Nausea is most common. Usually immediately after taking the drug. Others may experience dream pattern changes, constipation, gas and vomitting. What's also been reported is that a very small minority experience psychological changes and end up being depressed or start to entertain suicidal thoughts. This of course means Champix is not meant for them.

Almost 3.5 days, smoky dreams

Yep, it had to happen. I had a really vivid dream last night about having a cigarette. Even to the point where I could taste and smell it. I woke up craving and imagining the acrid taste that accompanies the first cigarette one has after a long time.

I'm glad I don't have cigarettes on me anymore. My last pack of cigarettes ran out last week. This is tough, even with the drug.

Still clean, cravings and other notes

Yep, 60 hours. It still feels odd.

Have noticed peak craving happens between 2-6pm. This is when I gnaw at my tongue, take lots of deep breaths and drink too much water. Chewing gum? Thanks to 2 years of braces and the stress that chewing gum causes to your braces and your dentist, I ended up hating it.

The nausea I feel after taking the pill is also less intense now, which is a good thing, although it does create at least one big burp (also a good thing!)

Dreams, lots of them

However the one thing that has not gone away and is the same as the last time I took Champix are the incredibly vivid dreams. Don't ask me what I'm dreaming about, because I simply don't remember once I wake up. Maybe fragments but my description would definitely not do justice to the actual experience. The bad memory retention is likely because I'm someone who rarely dreams in the first place. This drug makes all the difference.

When I say vivid, it just seems like all my senses are alive. And if I correctly understand what lucid dreaming is, there seems to be an element of that as well. As a result, I wake up most mornings feeling very tired as I feel that my brain didn't really rest. Am getting used to it though, only 9 weeks to go!

48 hours, no smoke

The 2 day mark. I hear that the first week is the toughest. So Five more days to go.

Meanwhile, updated the About Me part so there's more clarity at a glance. I'll include a FAQ link there at some point.