New Year coming, almost 5 months

Yep, almost 5 months since I've had a cigarette.

There are urges, sometimes. But it usually happens only if I'm sitting next to a chain smoker. The kind who light up every 10-15 minutes.

I've also put on a little more weight. Manageable as I have been underweight all this while. I'm now approaching 74kg, from my past usual weight of 70kg. I expected to hit 75kg so it's not all that bad. People still say I'm skinny... Just because I can't gain weight in the same manner doesn't mean I like being called skinny!

Besides, I wouldn't want to gain anymore weight. It would mean having to get new clothes and with pre-school fees the way they are now, I need to save all I can for my daughter.

Meanwhile, I hope all of you have a good New Year! Let's hope this time next year I can still declare that I am smoke-free.

Almost 4 months

So I'm fast approaching the point where I'm thinking, "Wow, I used to smoke?"

I've been in situations so far where everyone around me is smoking but have not had the urge to ask for one or to steal one and light up.

More importantly, the point of this post is to articulate or to explain what I think is the key to quitting smoking.

1.) You have to want to

And I don't mean you waking up one morning and saying "I wanna quit". It's not so simple. It would probably have to be something you've thought about for a long time, a few months, maybe even a year.

2.) Be prepared for the effects

Whether you choose to quit cold turkey or use some sort of drug (champix, nicorette) etc.. there WILL be physiological effects. Whether you like it or not.

Cold turkey and you'll deal with all the short-temperedness, angsty, and extreme craving type of feelings that will generally make you one of the most unpleasant persons in the world to be around.

Quit with a drug and you'll have a completely different set of side effects, such as constipation, vivid dreams, not being able to sleep, etc

Essentially, the point is, there will be some downside to quitting. But it is only temporary. What is the upside? That's for you to consider.

THREE MONTHS

Yep, I did it! Now for the next 3 months. Any gifts for this achievement? Anyone?

Yeah, figured there'd be none. It has been a lonely journey/challenge, with my mind being my most constant and persistent companion. I'm glad we defeated the Brain and the Body with its unreasonable requests.

G'nite, and thanks for reading. I'll update whenever I feel like it, but I think the goal has been accomplished for now.

Take care!

75 days

Good news. I've been off Champix for.. you know, I can't remember. A week I think.

The moodiness and inability to focus has been there, but it is slowly getting better. Tends to be at its worse during the afternoons.

64 days

Yup, made it past the two month mark.

Now seriously, it is all about weaning off Champix. And if last Saturday (Oct 1) was any indication of how difficult it could be, I'm going to be in trouble. Oct 1 was my fifth day without taking Champix and arguably the most difficult day I've had thus far.

I was not only angsty and short-tempered, but I had a massive headache, blurry eyes and completely unable to focus. My sincere apologies to my wife for the outburst and general pissy attitude which lasted until I finally took a Champix pill to ease the problem.

To be honest, it was exactly like all the withdrawal symptoms one would have BUT without the craving for a cigarette. How weird is that? Quite a mindfuck.

So it seems I am unable to break off Champix just like that. What I've done now is split all my pills and will be taking half pills at 3 day intervals for now - and slowly increasing the duration in between each pill until I no longer need it. I have 20 half pills, but who knows, I might not need as many to get off it.

My first half pill starts tomorrow, well today (Tuesday). This will hopefully be the last stage of fighting a dependence. The next battle, after I'm off the pills, will be making sure I never pick up a cigarette again.

56 days

Still have 11 pills left. Since the last post I've only taken one pill.

If I get through today without feeling too crappy, it would mean 3 consecutive days without a pill.

When I say crappy, it doesn't matter whether I take it or not:

With pill = Nausea or very intense and painful headache (15-30 mins) immediately after taking the pill

Without pill = Nagging low intensity/pain headache (all day) and general inability to focus

I'm sure the "without pill" manifestations are temporary.. as in they'll go away over time, and is simply a function of me having a different dependence, i.e. the pills as opposed to a cigarette.

Damn, it is annoying. It also makes me wonder why the heck I even started smoking in the first place. I also can't wait to be free of this drug dependence.

And when it does, then alcohol would be my only vice!

51 days

Am still going strong while I'm slowly cutting down on Champix intake.

I have 12 pills left. Over the past two weeks I've been taking one pill on alternate days as compared to two pills each day.

There was one day when I tried to stretch the gap to two days without a pill but I didn't feel too good after that. I might try that again soon.

38 days?

Wow.

It is starting to come to a point where I don't count every day. I'm also considering very seriously whether I should wean myself off Champix earlier than the recommended 12-week course.

Since I've been forgetting to take pills, and there are some days when I don't even take one pill, and it isn't really missed or I don't really have cravings, I figure why not just stop the pills? The side effects, which are damn annoying, is also another factor.

I have 20 pills left and I think I'll take one pill a day from now on (if I remember!!) which means by the end of September I will be both smoke AND drug free. It also means I would have only completed 8 weeks of Champix pills.

Forgetting to take pills

Ok, now this is odd.

Its become a different sort of challenge. Now its not so much about not smoking, but rather, its about making sure I take those pills once in the morning and once at night.

The nausea after taking the pill has come back, which is annoying. But the more I think about it, its like I think I don't need them anymore since the cravings are already gone. I'm almost halfway through the 12-week course now and have been told that I have to complete it or relapsing becomes much easier.

Gotta do some mind exercises all over again. I don't want to fail!

Three weeks

No, I haven't started smoking again.

Sorry to burst your bubble!

But to own up here, I've had to spend some time away due to family matters. I've also unfortunately either forgotten or missed a few doses of the pills so I think instead of 90 days this might take a 100 days.

As I was telling a friend yesterday when intoxicated with alcohol. If my cravings for a cigarette pre-quitting was 20 on a scale of 1-10, its now maybe 2 on that same scale. What I haven't tested myself with yet is to be with a whole table of smokers while drinking. Now that would be interesting.

Weight gain

Yep, it happened.

My usual weight fluctuates between 68-70kg. As of earlier this week, I've weighed in at 72.1kg. Another weigh in earlier today still sees me at 72.1kg.

This is of course unusual for me. I've never gained weight in any meaningful way, always the butt of jealous remarks from female friends and never had to get new clothes just because I've gained a couple of inches around the waist.

There is the oft-quoted reason about why people smoke, that is to keep your weight down since nicotine serves as an appetite depressant. Believe me, that was merely an unintended side-effect for me. I already had an insane metabolic rate during my late-teens.

What does this mean? I need to exercise, slow down on the carbs and probably drink a lot less beer, haha. I'm entirely unsure what my metabolism rate is like without nicotine.

Here's hoping I don't go past 75kg.

Almost two weeks!

Apart from the cravings that come and go and are not so intense anymore, nothing much to report. Its almost anti-climatic. What was I expecting?

To be honest, I was expecting an uphill battle all the way... It seems that once your mind is more or less made up, there's a lot less fighting to do.

I remember the last time I tried to quit, I would still inevitably go and buy a pack of cigarettes. And that's why it was that much harder to quit, because of the easy access.

Now I see a pack of cigarettes and go "Meh..."

Standing back though, I think its just a matter of making your mind up to quit and setting a reasonable deadline to get to the point where you're ready to stop. For me, I did tell myself 30 years old. And that was many years back after I failed a couple of times. I turned 30 a few months back, so looks like its going well.

The big One Zero soon

Almost 10 days smoke free.
The urge to count - bad or good thing? I can't figure it out. I hope at some point I'll just stop counting and remember the date I stopped, easier that way!

Just a few observations in the past few days:
- Hardly anymore nausea after taking the pill

- The cravings I have when drinking alcohol now is almost non-existent

- There are still periods of time when I do crave for one, especially if I'm sleepy in the afternoon

- I feel much more energetic, I'm doing a lot more chores and there isn't that "couldn't be bothered" feeling anymore

- Appetite has increased substantially and food does taste better. I don't feel that much heavier but obviously this will have to be kept in check, I'm setting a limit of 5kg up from present weight of 70kg.

- Seem to be coughing quite a bit and lots of mucous in the morning, apparently this is because my lungs are healing.

A week goes by...

How do I feel?

Weird mostly, cravings aside. I try to articulate the feeling but its difficult. The closest I can come to is perhaps it being similar to losing a very big part of your life.. an arm, a partner, etc.

I guess it stems from time spent with the habit of smoking.

Ten sticks a day for 13 years. If you take five minutes per stick as an average, that means I've spent 237,250 minutes of my life smoking. Break it down further that's almost 165 days spent smoking and the rest of the time not smoking spent thinking about smoking.

So, finding things to do/keeping occupied is probably one of the most important aspects of quitting smoking. Thankfully I have a job, but unfortunately being at work itself is one huge smoking cue.

Here's to one more week!

Six days!

Tomorrow this time it'll be a week. Yay?

You take it twice a day!

Wow, its been 4 and a half days. Wonder how long it'll be before I stop counting. Was quite a novelty counting time but it might become tedious in the long-run.

Anyway just to make something clear. This is not a cold-turkey quit blog. I did not quit cold-turkey as I had mentioned in the first couple of postings. I'm using a drug called Champix, or Chantix as its known in the US.

I'm also not being paid by Pfizer, the manufacturer, (would be nice though!) or neither is this blog meant to promote Champix as the preferred way to quit smoking. Each person is unique and you definitely can't take a cookie cutter approach to quitting. Some prefer counseling, acupuncture or hypnosis. The more traditional route would be nicotine patches or gum.

I've tried the patches/gum, counseling and cold turkey. Perhaps not enough will power which is why I figured this drug might work. Anyway for those that want to know more, read on!

How it works?
The drug in its most basic sense blocks nicotine from reaching the specific receptors in the brain that derive pleasure from nicotine. Hence there is no more pleasure from inhaling a cigarette. Concurrently, it also takes the "edge" off withdrawal symptoms such as the mood swings, agitation and being short-tempered , etc.

Dosage
Twice a day orally for 12 weeks. The first two weeks are small doses (1mg per day) meant to build up the presence of the drug in your body. Ideally, no more cigarettes from the 14th day onwards. Once week 3 comes around, its ramped up to 2mg per day and cigarettes should start to be quite disgusting by then.

Little blue pills. Sun and moon icons behind each pill because smokers can't tell time...


Cost
Most GP clinics would sell it. I got mine for RM165 for the starter pack (the first two weeks) and each subsequent two-week packs after that is RM175. Total cost for the 12-week course: RM1,040

Side effects
Nausea is most common. Usually immediately after taking the drug. Others may experience dream pattern changes, constipation, gas and vomitting. What's also been reported is that a very small minority experience psychological changes and end up being depressed or start to entertain suicidal thoughts. This of course means Champix is not meant for them.

Almost 3.5 days, smoky dreams

Yep, it had to happen. I had a really vivid dream last night about having a cigarette. Even to the point where I could taste and smell it. I woke up craving and imagining the acrid taste that accompanies the first cigarette one has after a long time.

I'm glad I don't have cigarettes on me anymore. My last pack of cigarettes ran out last week. This is tough, even with the drug.

Still clean, cravings and other notes

Yep, 60 hours. It still feels odd.

Have noticed peak craving happens between 2-6pm. This is when I gnaw at my tongue, take lots of deep breaths and drink too much water. Chewing gum? Thanks to 2 years of braces and the stress that chewing gum causes to your braces and your dentist, I ended up hating it.

The nausea I feel after taking the pill is also less intense now, which is a good thing, although it does create at least one big burp (also a good thing!)

Dreams, lots of them

However the one thing that has not gone away and is the same as the last time I took Champix are the incredibly vivid dreams. Don't ask me what I'm dreaming about, because I simply don't remember once I wake up. Maybe fragments but my description would definitely not do justice to the actual experience. The bad memory retention is likely because I'm someone who rarely dreams in the first place. This drug makes all the difference.

When I say vivid, it just seems like all my senses are alive. And if I correctly understand what lucid dreaming is, there seems to be an element of that as well. As a result, I wake up most mornings feeling very tired as I feel that my brain didn't really rest. Am getting used to it though, only 9 weeks to go!

48 hours, no smoke

The 2 day mark. I hear that the first week is the toughest. So Five more days to go.

Meanwhile, updated the About Me part so there's more clarity at a glance. I'll include a FAQ link there at some point.

Day 6 - Breakthrough!

Woah, I missed out a few days of updates. Here's a summary:

Day 3, Friday, July 29
One stick @ 10pm

Day 4, Saturday, July 30
Drunken stupor for more than half the day because of friend's wedding - 1 stick @ 10pm

Day 5, Sunday, July 31
Did not smoke at all

Day 6, Monday, August 1
37.5 hours and counting since I didn't have a cigarette. Feels weird!

Day 2

Ok, its confession time. I had half a stick yesterday at about 2pm.

Its 3.10pm as I write this and I have not had any for today. I'm slowly getting there.

Since starting the drug, I've also been keeping track on when I would usually want to have that first cigarette. I can safely say the Wanting it First Thing in the Morning feeling is gone.

But then the craving peaks sometime at about noon onwards and sometimes its really bad which is when I cave in.

Thinking through, I think the best way to approach it is by holding out for progressively longer periods (after waking) until its basically time to sleep which would effectively mean no cigarettes for that day. Rinse and repeat for the rest of my life. It sounds so simple yeah.

Just to share about how much affinity I have to cigarettes - it reached a level where I've even called them my best friend. Flawed thinking? But I always figured if nothing ever went right and everyone in life abandoned me, cigarettes would always be there. Would make good copy for an ad yeah? Hah, I'm such an addict.

Day 1

It starts today.

No more cigarettes. If I fail on any particular day, I will note it here and hope no one judges :(

Lets hope I do this right this time.

There's a wedding dinner I'm attending on Saturday, that will be a huge challenge as there will be lots of booze.

Observations so far since taking the drug?
- Feeling subdued/not as sharp and unable to focus as quickly as before
- Intense nausea lasting about an hour after swallowing the pill
- Not being out of breath as quickly
- Cigarette after-taste starting to be quite disgusting, also the kick when inhaling is diminishing
- Cravings are still there but withdrawal symptoms are far less intense (vs cold turkey)

Yesterday? 1.5 cigarettes

Getting there.

Day 0

Indulge me while I rant. I mean, otherwise, I just might go out and have a cigarette. Meanwhile, haven't smoked today.. had two sticks yesterday.

This is about driving in Malaysia. Oh yes, that story and also the direct cause of more than 6,000 deaths every year, countless ringgit in money spent on car and infrastructure repairs, hospital bills and broken homes or lost children (Human Potential ya?). Going down the more morbid side of things - some might say its a form of population control or what keeps one sector of the economy going.

Without all those vehicles being destroyed by usually ill-equipped drivers, how are we going to sell more cars and make Malaysia a regional auto-player? Lets keep killing our own people and only export cars with airbags to our overseas markets. Meanwhile, we'll tax the shit out of everyone who wants to get an import car (the only ones with airbags). We all win!

Ah I've just set myself up for a massive conspiracy theory. JPJ is on the take from car manufacturers to ensure they continue to churn out completely useless drivers so that AAM can continue to say there is year-on-year growth in vehicle sales! (and then argue about it with the ministry)

Anyway, I'm sure that isn't really the case. I'm more inclined to believe that its a result of piecemeal/ad-hoc policies that resulted in the clusterfuck we are in now. Something I gained a lot of insight into during my stint at The Star.

What caused this outburst? Seeing a grandpa ferrying 2 of his grandkids (who were not belted up) while busy chatting away with what I assume was his son. This was Jalan Sultan Ismail at peak traffic and I was unfortunately right behind him (he cut in front of me earlier without signalling). Apart from completely not paying attention to the road and braking hard every few seconds, he was obviously indecisive about changing lanes making it unbelievably hard to overtake because he's basically zig-zagging along the white line. Mandatory retests at 65 anyone? I almost knocked him once when overtaking and on the second occasion when I had an opening, there had to be DBKL watering its precious plants and taking up the whole lane.

Which brings me to another point, why the hell do they always water plants at peak hours. And what's the use of all those electronic signboards? You know in Singapore, you'll be informed way before that something's taking up whichever lane for whatever reason.

As much as Malaysia wants to plug itself about being a developed nation soon, and 9 years is soon, nothing's going to change if something as common sense as scheduling when to water plants can't be done. Oh don't even get me started about enforcement of road rules and education of drivers.

Day -1

Yep, and so I was basically rendered useless for about 24 hours. That stomach issue got me feeling so ill that I was hurting to the bone, almost flu like.

Am feeling okay today. And just something to note, it may not have been due Champix. I can't be entirely sure of course, but I have a feeling it was something I ate on Friday. I'll be monitoring my diet this week to ensure I don't eat/drink anything out of the norm just to see if it is a side-effect or not.

Because of that unfortunate issue, I was too ill to even consider taking Champix for fear that it might screw me up more, so I skipped one day. Fortunately, it has not ramped up my cravings considerably, I took two sticks on Saturday and two on Sunday and also explains why this posting is labelled Day -1 instead of Day 0.

Day 1 will be when I stop completely.

Side-effects?

As I write this I am having massive stomach pains. Probably as excruciating as I've ever experienced in my life. The pain seems like a mix of food poisoning, massive flatulence and purging.

It started at around 7pm, so that's almost four hours now. Have tried the usual charcoal pills and having hot soup but it has not abated. Check on the net reveals that some people do in fact have these kind of side-effects from taking Champix although they say it is merely temporary and that the end goal of being smoke free is all worth it. This did not happen the last time I took Champix.

I sincerely hope it is temporary and that it won't get in the way of work. For the record, only two cigarettes today and honestly no more cravings. Although it could be because my brain is working overtime to tell me that my stomach hurts (Thanks Brain). We'll see how it goes tomorrow, hope I can sleep!

Day -3

Four more days before I kick the habit. I've only had 1 stick today. I've gone through two intense periods of cravings so far but managed to hang on.

As for yesterday, I faltered and had five sticks for the day as I ended up having a few drinks over dinner. So definitely goes to show I'm by no way ready to be drinking (even casually) and not smoking.

Alcohol is obviously a powerful influence - amplifying and quickening the craving for a cigarette. Most of us would probably remember going through a pack or more on heavy drinking nights.

Still need something else to do to get distracted though, I think I'm going to have to hit up the bookstore soon.

Smoking Cues

Ask any long-time smoker why they picked up smoking and they'd easily be able to tell you why. To go into detail about exactly when they pick up a cigarette may be harder as it has become so ingrained and almost as involuntary as breathing.

I'm trying to figure out cues that start me thinking about smoking, then to be self-conscious when these cues occur and then control the cravings. I probably thought about smoking more than a hundred times after drawing this out. I think you can click to expand. And I've probably missed out a lot of other cues, feel free to add it on in the comments.

Day -4

So the key frustration now is dealing with cravings. This morning, I had to sit in a smoking area during breakfast. That was extremely difficult but I did not light up.

Just like the last time I used Champix, withdrawal symptoms are not so apparent. I'm not angsty or short-tempered if compared to when I tried going cold-turkey.

Which I guess is where the value in this drug is, it still leaves me somewhat functional. But I do still feel the urge to light up although after half a cigarette it kinda gets boring (which is good). Still early days I suppose.

I always figured that if I were to go cold turkey I would need a couple of months off from work/family/friends so I don't end up pissing everyone off and destroying the other parts of my life.

Have tried looking around for witty quit smoking cartoons to bring more image content to the blog but it all seems to require paying $$! Will think of more pictures I can take on my own to add to the blog. The images here so far have been taken with my Blackberry.

Meanwhile, have also started graphing how many sticks I'm smoking per day. Will upload the chart month-end. The count for today is two sticks.

Economics of smoking

Wonder how much smoking costs in $$ terms?
Here we go.

13 years

1st year in Malaysia @ RM3.50 a 20-pack. One pack lasted me three-four days back then. Lets take an average of 10 packs a month which is 120 packs a year. Total= RM420

2nd-4th year in Melbourne @ AUD9 per 20-pack (on average). I increased to smoking a pack every two days during those days - no parents, freedom plus all the illusions that even semi-rebellious teenagers have.
15 packs a month or 180 packs a year which equals AUD1620 per year or AUD4860 for the three years I was there . Taking average exchange rate of RM2.50 per AUD1 = a total of RM12,150.

Hmm, I could have paid a downpayment for a car with that alone.


Smoke much?

5th year onwards back in Malaysia where I still averaged about a pack every two days. Cigarette prices have been rising. In 2001 it was RM5, and in 2011 it is RM10. I can't recall the exact time of the price hikes so just for behind a envelope sort of calculation lets take the median to be RM7.50.

That would be 1,620 packs (for 9 years at 180 packs per year) x RM7.50 which would be a total of RM12,150.

Add everything together and I've spent almost RM25,000 on smoking or an average of almost RM2,000 a year. Also shows how cheap it is to smoke in Malaysia.

Wow.

One reason

One of the reasons why I'm quitting. Say hello to my just turned one-year-old daughter :)

Day -5

I just read a disturbing article about the drug I'm using - Champix on CNN

Have always known about the side effects, i.e. some people may feel depressed or suicidal. None of that for me at this point however.

And as I mentioned earlier, I am feeling distant. In the sense where I may not register things as quickly as before or its harder for me to concentrate. I do hope it passes in time.

Cigarette count for today is two. Two by 3pm! I'm quite happy. Aim for tomorrow is for one stick by 3pm. I failed yesterday however, ended up having five sticks in total. Hmm, need more distractions. Five more days to zero smokes.

If I have time later I'm going to compile how much cigarette smoking over the past 13 years has cost me in terms of monetary value. Damage to my health and the health of those around me would be unquantifiable though.

Day -6

Think the other posts will have to wait as I just realised how plain the blog looks!

Meanwhile, I am craving. Three sticks so far today. Would normally have had double that by this time. My average in the past week has been four-five sticks a day compared to about 10 usually.

I'm starting to get sleepy at unusual hours (like now!) and my appetite has definitely increased. Will have to do some exercise even if its just situps/pushups. Also feeling a little distant and prone to zoning out.

Day -7

The reason I set up this blog is to help motivate me further as I try to quit smoking, and for those who have quit who might understand better, its to give me something extra to keep me occupied so I don't light up.

I will attempt to post an entry every single day so I have a record of how I'm doing. If all goes well, I should be smoke-free in 3 months time, and there should be 90 entries!

I've been smoking since I was 18, when a pack of 20 cigarettes used to cost RM3.50 per pack. I'm now 30 years old and a 20-pack costs RM10.

My first attempt at quitting was when I was 19, I failed miserably.
My second attempt at quitting was when I was 23, I lasted one month cold turkey.
My third attempt was to use the drug Champix in early-2009, it went well for six weeks and then I could not afford it.
This is my fourth and hopefully final attempt. I'm once again using Champix. Its been 7 days, enough time for the drug to build up its presence in the body. The next 7 days will be crucial.

By the end of this week, I should no longer be picking up a cigarette but will instead be fighting the demons in my head day in and day out.

Tomorrow, why I started smoking in the first place.